Derp It!

Slithery situations

The door to the training chamber burst open. Snake tongue warriors hard at work training initiates all suddenly turned to look. Talon fired a shot at the first opponent to make himself visible. It was followed up by Adalthea who launched a cloud of foul smoke into the air.

The warriors and initiates instinctively moved to escape it, some approaching the group, others pinning themselves near the walls. Seeking to serve and impress their superiors, many of the initiates backed up the warriors, strengthening them. However the cloud of gas quickly overpowered a few of them. Basher gazed into the eyes of one of the warriors, and without warning he turned and attempted to swing at his own follower, but failed. As they attempted to reset their fighting formation, they began to cough and sputter. Adalthea had moved the cloud towards the doorway to shield the group.

The entire time however, nobody noticed a small hobbit, a halfling, in the corner. He was chained to the wall and, taking advantage of the distraction, drew upon a hidden reserve of energy to slip out of the handcuffs. Free at last! He quickly gathered his gear. Taking a knife he threw it at one of the unsuspecting snake tongue initiates, but missed. To his extraordinary luck the initiate hadnt noticed at all.

Meanwhile, Bert Longbottom, the unscrupulous humanoid, gave Talon a reassuring back rub and pointed over his shoulder “That guy, hit him!” Talon drew back his bow and fired a shot dead center into the warrior, knocking him back. Then in a great feat of elven acrobatics, he lept over the warrior and fired another shot into him.
“haha, sucks to be you!” Basher shouted from behind Adalthea. He was still feeling the effects of the rage potion from the previous chamber. Towards this end he was rather mouthy and a little too eager to get his hands on an opponent.
Just then a Warrior swung her blade, but missed Adalthea, “Oh you’re in for it now!” Basher quickly responded by reaching out in between Talon and Adalthea, grabbing the warrior and pulling her in, giving her a firm curb stomp and knocking her out.

The halfling, Merrick, and run towards the wall as an initiate chased him. He ran up the wall and did a backflip, landing skillfully behind the snake tongue, he stabbed him and left the knife in. It was covered in excrement of Bert, a side effect of Bert running into the fray and then realizing just how scary the fray was.

“Now who is next?” Basher said with a grin. The next warrior looked at him and hissed in draconic enough of your mouth, fool. Basher responded coyly whenever you are ready sweetheart
As the warrior swung at Basher he evaded and grabbed a hold of him by the throat, holding him in place.
On of Talons arrows hit him square in the back. As he fell to the ground, Basher Nodded at Talon “Now that`s what im talking about!” Then he kicked the limp body. “Silly little tosser…”

Meanwhile, in the background, Bert Longbottom had grabbed a hold of a warrior and was forcing him to drink what was surely an unspeakable mixture of foul liquids. Adalthea had fey-stepped through the fray to join him. Bert immediately began to check her out.

Bert was a strange one….

Merrick grabbed a hold of the lever and pulled it back to its “off” position, but it was too late, the water seemed to have drained fully.

The last of the warriors attempted to puke out some of the liquid, then saw Basher insulting his brethren. He starred for a moment. Basher looked back. what the **** are you going on about? he shouted at it in draconic. come and have a go if it makes you feel better he held up the knife menacingly.

It was over in a flash as Basher dodged the swung and sent his knee into the warriors stomach, then elbowed him in the face, knocking him out cold.

As the first snake tongue warrior came around, Basher stood over her.
“Speak common?”
She only gave a hissing response.
“Oh right, draconic….” he murmured.
well here is the deal sister, Im deciding if I want to make you and your friends into boots or a jacket, if you are nice, your skin can stay on your body

She looked enraged. ill never tell you anything.. human!
Just then Bert Longbottom appeared.
The warrior suddenly became panicked, struggling to get away. She hissed a guttural sound something like Longbottomssss Burtss!
“aww, thats cute, they know you Bert!” Basher laughed. Bert grinned, “Maybe she would like a drink?” He held up the water skin full of vile liquid.
The warrior put on a bold face. no! you may kill me, but you wont defeat our lord! He knows you are coming, he is going to love to have you for lunch!
Basher`s sarcasm knew no bounds. oh good, im starving! does he have those little mini sandwiches? Im really in the mood for one of those!
Fool! the woman spat He loves the taste of human flesh!
Basher leaned in close. here is the thing… His face began to turn green and scaly, he became one of them. he will never know what hit him
She looked in terror, maybe she had never seen a changeling, maybe it just caught her off guard.
Basher sighed. “Shirt”
what? the warrior replied.
Shirt. Im done talking, ive decided you are gonna be the shirt
She hissed ravenously.
Suddenly he stabbed he through the skull. Then, he began to turn over the bodies and skin them, whistling a tune casually as he did so.
“Ummm guys….I uhh.. hate snakes..” Bert said uneasy.
“You want this?” Basher said, holding up a piece of skin with a tattoo of some sort on it to show Talon.
“Sure, thanks.” Talon nodded. Basher tossed it to him, then looked as Bert keeled over.
“Yup, there he goes…”


We need to start updating this more often!

Game 27

Fought Murkelmor, but only killed 2 shock troopers. There is still a Thuerge too.
Then you guys killed those spinned devils and duegar, after wubbaing a pit so they couldn’t follow you.

Experience gained: 479
Total Experience: 7991

Game 26
Wubba wubRRRRAAAAA!!!!!

[gromph-starforge], [krayden], and [basher] battled some Orcs and an Ogre. Gromph got mad, fell, got revived, and got mad again. Basher got an extended rest from the wubba stick.

Experience gained: 316
Total Experience: 7512

Game 25
Basher's got a backache

We started the battle over the bridge and had to stop. The next game we finished it, I’m dividing experience on total people in that fight (7 of you. Caleb, Michael, Jerry, Jay, Becky, Job, Andy)

Experience gained: 153
Total Experience: 7196 (assuming game 24 is correct)

Game 24
The Life and Death of Admiral Wolverine Lightning bolt

Players: Basher, Gromph Starforge, Carnealion Cloak, Kraden
You guys died, then came back to life. someone write story for this please.
Then you brawled with Content Not Found: Brugg, then went into Horned Hall. Fought Rundarr

experience total: 7043 I think
Loot gained: Dwarven Greaves, Amulet of Passage (Jay), and a level 8 item (Jay)

Game 23

Players: Han John (Melk), Gromph Starforge, Basher, and Content Not Found: kraden

Got through that trap room and onto the room with the Minotaur face in the floor and skeletons. you guys took an extended rest.

Experience gained: 287
Experience total:
Loot: 200 gp, a “enchant magic item” ritual and “arcane lock” ritual. Melk got a level 9 item.
Reward Points: Jerry (time), someone helped me make initiative. was it han john?

Game 22
Court of Bones, "King" Thane, and Rendil the Half-Weremitour-ling

Players: Provyerka, Adalthea, Gromph Starforge, Carnealion Cloak, Walter Jerbralter, Content Not Found: kraden_, _Content Not Found: luca

Thane Cardanas
Court of Bones
Rendil Halfmoon

Experience gained: 485 per person (I figured in 7 players for first battle, but 6 players for traped rooms and I have included the trap you guys have almost finished.
Experience total:
Loot gained: +1 Vicious Longsword

Game 21
Chamber of Eyes - Bloodreaver Hideout

Players: Carnealion Cloak, Gromph Starforge, Basher, Walter Jerbralter, and Adalthea
Experience gained: 530 (I forgot that convincing the goblins was a skill challenge worth 500 xp/100 to each of you)
Loot: 1,072 gp, 3 gems worth 100 gp each, potion of healing, belt of sacrifice, goggles of aura sight, Krand’s key, and a contract.

The bugbear that Carnealion Cloak killed in his sleep wore a belt of sacrifice +1. In the room with tables, chairs, a terrified Rendil Halfmoon curled in a ball, and a bunch of dead bodies; you found a bunch of items on the table.

You found a key on Krand. In Krand’s room you found a chest, it looks locked…
In his room you also find a letter written in Common. It is a contract to purchase new merchandise for 1,000 gp (no small sum). It is signed by Murkelmor Grimmerzhul, dated two days ago.

Game 20ish
Undead Siege

You can keep the Shard and put it in the hilt of a weapon or destroy it.

Players: Basher, Gromph Starforge, Malathok, Carnealion Cloak, Walter Jerbralter and Fargrim for now(Jerry)
Experience gained: 778
Loot: Level 5 Lightning Warhammer +1, Level 4 Black Iron Scale +1, 180 gp and 2 100 gp gems, 2 potions of healing, level 6 Orb of Impenetrable Escape +2, a black gem

WUBBA WUBBA!” shouts Gromph Starforge as he points the Wand of Wonder at a small group of shambling zombies. A massive fireball erupts from the tip of the wand and screams across the room to the undead creatures. Moans and groans escape the lips of the beasts as their flesh and bone are almost instantly incinerated. The rest of the party stares wide-eyed for a moment, regaining their composure after watching the flaming death of the motley bunch before them. Malathok, acting quickly, dashes in and slashes at the surviving zombies while Basher summons psionic power to crush the small minds of his foes. After a quick squabble, the last of the enemies are vanquished.
Malathok kneels to the floor, examining the now RE-dead zombie before him.
“These tattoos on his arms…this is our man!” he exclaims to the party. He then notices a purple sparkle coming from the corpse’s chest. A large, purple gem, pulsing with magic dangles from a chain fastened around the zombie’s neck. Malathok, without hesitation, rips the chain from the body and shows it to the party.
“Something about this makes me uneasy…Orcus’ power is in this gem,” mumbles Fargrim.
SHINY!” yells Walter Jerbralter.
The party argues for a few minutes about the gem and what to do with it. Finally, Gromph steps in with a suggestion.
“I’ll keep this in my Bag of Holding, okay? We’ll figure out what to do with it later.” The party agrees and searches the room for more valuables. Nothing of value is found, so they move on to the next room. An undead soldier is lying half-buried in rubble. A quick blow to the head puts him out of his misery, and the party examines his body. A powerful hammer as well as strong body-armor is found. Fargrim gladly takes the loot, as he is lacking in good items as a new party-member, and the party vacates the room to head back to town to finish their mission. They ascend the spiral-staircase to the large sanctuary-like room they originally came from and begin their exit, when a terrifying shriek erupts from the forest outside. The Carnelian Cloak sprints to the doors and scans the horizon before him. Moaning and cries of pain enter his ears as visions of unspeakable creatures fill his eyes. Undead beings of every race, every type, shamble towards the building the party rests within.
“Can…can zombies climb trees?” mumbles The Cloak with a trembling voice.
YES! THEY CAN!” booms a magical voice from the heavens.
“W-would they find us if we hid in the basement with a bookshelf over the entrance?” he also asked.

The DM has spoken.

The party has no choice but to barricade the building’s entrances as best as possible while fighting off undead intruders. Waves of zombies squeeze through the doors and attack the crew as they hammer pieces of wood into other entrances.
WUBBA WUBBA!” screams Gromph Starforge…again…and again…and again. After blinding himself, decreasing the damage resistances of himself and Malathok, teleporting onto the idol of Orcus, developing a helpless stutter, and learning how to cook a mean steak, Gromph Starforge finally decides to call it quits on the Wand of Wonder for the day. OR DOES HE?
“W-W-WUBB-B-BAAA W-W-WUBBA!!!” he manages to scream two more times. First, a magical well with untold powers appears in the room…then a rain of dead fish falls upon the desolate sanctuary…which immediately become undead fish. THEN Gromph Starforge decides to play support.

As the fight dragged on through night, the action was taking it toll on the group. And as dawn approached, a terrible crash was heard. Walter Jerbralter and Basher turned to see an old enemy. Standing before them was a rather large, rotting goblin corpse. “Irontooth?” Basher exclaimed. Then he chuckled. " hehe… I get it!.. Because we totally.. you know…hehe..killed him… and he is a zombie hehe…." His voice trailed off as nobody else seemed amused.“What? C’mon, tell me that isnt funny……” If the moans of zombies could be turned off, a cricket could have been heard. “You guys suck…” He said, his mood diminishing as he turned back and let loose a blast of psionic power, obliterating a horde of zombies surronding the dead goblin. Another well placed arrow from Walter Jerbralter finished him off. Just as the two were about to revel in their victory, part of the ceiling caved in. It had been broken by a zombie hulk, which fell through the crumbling roof. Basher was about to turn to fire on the massive abomination when a massive flash lit up the room. Basher had hit the deck. Getting back up he stared at Walter Jerbralter with a terrified look. “What….. was….. that?……”. The zombie hulk looked ready to completely fall apart…
After completely annihilating the last few zombies in the room, including Irontooth and another massive, Lazarus-complex zombie, everything falls silent. All that’s left to do is to head back to town…and figure out what to do with this gem…


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